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Aldbourne CC - Tour 2010

Boars on Tour Match Reports - 11th – 13th September 2010.

Friday Afternoon – Getting There

The trip down to Cornwall was much less fraught this year as the roads were clearer and the need for regular updates on progress was limited. The cars and drivers included Ed ‘Banger’ Fitch, who collected father Rodney ‘ Buzzard Bait’ from a flight from India in the early hours, Charlie ‘Dutch’ Elms, who was driving from London after a meeting with those nice chaps from Tesco, Nick ‘Woo Woo’ Bubb, also from London, John the Janner and Four Stents Grant and Howlin’ Willf who were doing their Toad and Ratty impression in the open top C type Jaguar.

The only reportable physical contact took place when the Janner took up the Fitch’s invitation to join them at the Square and Compass at Ashill just off the M5. The pub purported to be of some repute and in the Janner’s opinion this was particularly true if you had a passion for buttered doorsteps. He recalled that Ashill was the scene of the purchase of several barrels of scrumpy for his 21st birthday celebration which was to take place on a ferry that went up the Tamar to Calstock, passing Mount Edgcumbe and close by Luckett on the way, and now Banger was keen to collect some scrumpy although the poor soul who eventually sold it to him did not look a good advertisement for any benefits it might bestow. Clearly unperturbed by this, Banger bought 6 litres, 2 for his own consumption and 4 for any of the tourists that might like it particularly Four Stents and Bacon Grease Goddard who had taken a fancy to it after the Baydon game and allegedly consumed 10 pints each.

Friday Evening – Getting Together

Your reporter heard little else happened on the journey and all the expected tourists arrived at Rame Barton and Cawsand Bay in time for the celebrated Smiffy who would collect them all at 1915, for a trip to the Rod and Line at Tideford. The plan went a little awry when the Rame Barton contingent decided to visit a pub in Cawsand Bay and then met Smiffy on their return journey. Clearly unimpressed by this, his welcoming address was ‘Wankers, wankers, wankers’. He then demonstrated his Tourettes condition for the remainder of the trip, not even relenting when he picked up ‘some fanny’ at the edge of Cawsand and then dropped them off at Millbrook. Sadly they made no contribution to the £50 fare to Tideford although some wondered whether their reckoning with Smiffy might come later (no pun intended).

On arrival, the Janner was anxiously scouring the clientele in an effort to recognise two old boys from his former school in Plymouth who had agreed to play for the Boars. As he had never met them and they were 20 and 38 years younger than him it was no surprise that it took 30 minutes before Four Stents bumped into them and introduced them to the Janner. It soon became clear that these characters were of a higher standard than the ringers the Janner had co-opted for the Boars last year. Indeed, if the bragging game had been applied as rigorously as in 2009 Chris Vinson would have had to be carried out of the pub and ruthlessly stomach pumped to have had any chance of playing even on Sunday. The Boars soon learnt that he had an entry in Wisden for the fastest 50 scored by a right hand batsman – 11 balls. Before anyone had time to register disbelief he followed up with his career stat of over 20 fifers. Young Robinson did not contribute to the conversation but through Vinson the Boars soon discovered that he was a particularly good fast bowler who could bat as well!! Unless one of the Boars succumbed to the pressures of the tour, however, he would not figure in the proceedings.

Despite the lack of a real bragging game, and the early departure of Woo Woo and Buzzard Bait, the evening still progressed to its inevitable conclusion with most Boars returning first to their HQ at Rame Barton and then their pits, the worse for ‘flu and/or the wine and champagne generously donated by Dutch Elms.

Saturday Afternoon - Getting On With It – Luckett

After an uneventful morning, save for the splendid breakfast, the Boars made their way to Luckett. Due to work commitments the Boatman Bishop would meet the party at the Royal Inn at Horsebridge. Snuff Hawken had another pressing social calling and so he too would first appear at the Inn and the Bennett’s were travelling from Tintagel.

The Rame convoy set off with the Janner being followed by Four Stents, with a new man riding shotgun in the form of Bacon Grease Goddard then Woo Woo and the Fitch’s. Bacon Grease’s pale demeanour when the convoy stopped for a cash point, suggested that he was not the co-driver Four Stents was looking for. Arriving late meant that there was little time to spend at the Inn so the tour party quickly set off to travel the short trip to Luckett and met Snuff Hawken coming the other way, momentarily blocking the route.

The game began with Luckett batting first after a brief and soon resolved altercation between Captain Fitch and the Janner over the lack of a new ball. Gold and Robbins opened for Luckett and Howlin’ Willf Grant and Fitch for ACC. Not much happened in the first 4 overs, apart from Robbins hitting Fitch for a straight 6, but in the fifth Grant bowled Gold for 5.

Robbins continued to stroke the ball around the ground, hitting three consecutive fours, but with the advent of Woo Woo Bubb the scoring slowed a little. Grant’s fifth over produced 2 fine wickets when he took Brown for 5 with a fine catch by Fitch and then dispensed with Haskin A to another excellent catch by Bennett. Bubb’s second over was a wicket maiden when he bowled the dangerous Robbins for 32 but by now Billing had started to show his skills as he and Hoskin J set about building a 40 run partnership.

When the end came it was unexpected. Bubb had been bowling a consistent line and length but faltered and sent down a long hop. Hoskin had not had much of the strike and his eyes lit up - but only for a brief moment. Making firm contact with the ball he directed it straight at the Janner who was standing at what seemed like silly mid on to him. Not known for his catching ability, the Janner may have been lucky not to have had too much time to think about it and, after only one juggle, snagged an unlikely catch. This was the last over Bubb bowled and he ended with excellent figures of 2 for 17 with 3 maidens.

By now Harry Snuff Hawken had come into the attack to weave the magic avid readers will recall he had learnt from Morveren the mermaid of Zennor. Not known for her bowling prowess, being half human and half fish, she nevertheless knew how to reel a sailor in. Since last year Harry has practiced this art and continued to use Bramley apple windfalls from his orchard and ball shaped hog’s puddings to develop his skills. Sadly though the years have also continued to take their toll, his run up has become even more of a trundle and his bowling arm has dropped from an upright position to 70 degrees to the shoulder. His guile, however, still increases to compensate and this explains why today Billing had to wait until his second over to hit him for 6.

Despite being in the last vestiges of the dying embers of the twilight of his career Harry pursued Billing as relentlessly as Morveren had taught him. Worn down by this, Billing eventually was reeled in when he was tempted to smash Harry out of the postage stamp confines of Luckett. Exhausted from hitting Hawken all over the ground, like the dope on the rope in the Thriller in Manilla, he could not find sufficient strength within himself (or the sweet spot of his bat) to launch the ball further than the direction of Howling Willf at long off. At first it seemed Willf would not make the ground but in a lunging dive he somehow slipped his fingers underneath and jumped up triumphantly clutching the ball. Billing trudged off with a look of disbelief on his face but he had scored 56 runs and played well for his side.

Hawken was not done yet though. He allowed Brown to hit the next ball for four and then had him lbw. More disbelief followed before Brown was reprimanded by Umpire Buzzard Bait for having the temerity to appear to challenge his decision. Banger Fitch allowed Hawken to complete his spell with his 7th straight over and figures of 2 for 30 for fear that if he rested him he would seize up.

Boatman Bishop had gone for 11 in his first over but he turned the screw in his second when he bowled young Roberts for 0. With a maiden for his next and last over he finished with 1 for 12 and the score at 123 for 8. Willf and Fitch came back into the attack and Fitch bowled Wadland in his last over to finish with 1 for 37 from 7 overs. Willf did not have any success in his second spell but his figures reflected his contribution in removing 3 of the first 4 batsmen, with 3 for 25 from 7 overs.

The final over was bowled by Four Stents and he successfully brought the curtain down on the Luckett innings when he had Roberts senior lbw and figures of 1 for 18. As the Boars left the field they were in understandably good spirits after an excellent bowling and fielding performance. With Luckett all out for 145 and a good batting line up there was all to play for as they tucked in to Betty’s delicious cream tea.

Bontour and Four Stents opened for the Boars. Hoskin and Brown R opened the bowling for Luckett. The first over passed uneventfully but the second did not. Four Stents first ball rapped him on the pad and according to Hawken who was umpiring, if the bowler had appealed he may well have given him lbw. The next ball was smashed for 4 but the following one broke the stumps and Four Stents was gone. Howlin’ Willf then entered the fray and things settled down. Few scoring strokes occurred up to the 10th over but those that did were 4’s. With the score at 36 in the 11th, however, the game came alive. Bontour was given lbw for 14 to Hoskin and the Boatman was out first ball to his next delivery.

Willf managed his 5th four in the next over but was then bowled by Brown M for 20. The Janner was the next golden duck so that by the end of the 12th over the Boars were 40 for 5. Banger decided attack was the best form of defence and 9 came off the 13th over. Dutch Elms had not expected to witness all this carnage from the other end in his first game for 3 years but he was soon the next victim, bowled by Hoskin for 0. The situation went from worse to even worse when Gloves Bennett, usually a limpet, was bowled by Brown for 0.

Banger was next to go caught and bowled Brown for 8 before Bubb became the third golden duck also bowled by Brown. Bacon Grease departed soon after lbw to Brown giving him figures of 5 for 14 off 6 overs and leaving Snuff Hawken not out 1. The Boars had been humiliated in a crushing defeat by 92 runs. Your reporter wondered whether an unwanted entry in Wisden might result as 3 batsmen had golden ducks, 5 scored 0 and 8 players mustered 6 runs between them.

A dark day for the Boars did not stop them joining the victors back at the Royal Inn for a good humoured drink. The tally is now Boars 2 Luckett 1 and, not surprisingly they were keen to invite the Boars back for another game in 2011.

Saturday Evening – Getting Down To It

Fall out from the Luckett game was limited but it was now clear to the Boatman that he would have to curtail his tour this year. Due to pressing work commitments he would have to leave to prepare for a meeting in Milan on Monday which required a 0400 flight. Despite this disappointment his fellow Boars recognised his commitment to the cause. He had driven 175 miles that morning to endure a golden duck and now had to drive back early the next day but at least he was with his mates – oh how they laughed at his misfortune! With Captain Banger also departing Sunday morning for Beijing the Janner’s ringers would now be playing at Mount Edgcumbe.

Before that though, there would be a splendid dinner at the View Restaurant. On arrival the Janner was amazed to find that on the next table was the same group the Boars had met on last year’s tour. The noise levels became too much for another party, however, who sadly left, grumbling considerably as they went.

Apart from an interesting formula that Four Stents was preparing to decide the batting order for the next day, the restaurant visit held no great memories for your reporter although there was a surprisingly good Australian sauvignon blanc chosen by Buzzard Bait. There were two interesting after match occurrences, however, the first of which related to a post match interview given by Four Stents.

Post Match Boars Interview – Getting in deep

Readers will be familiar with the police investigation of Pakistan cricketers following allegations of spot-fixing but the investigation has taken another twist. Your reporter can now exclusively reveal that police are turning their attention to ACC, the little known Wiltshire club, whose crack Boars on Tour squad have just returned from Cornwall’s forgotten corner where pasties are grown in the golden triangle at the back of Smiffy’s taxi stand in Kingsand.
It appears that Peter ‘Four Stents’ Grant, stand in captain of the Boars on Tour team, incongruously made reference to every track from Bananarama’s 1988 Greatest Hits album during a post match interview with Cawsand radio, a copy of which your reporter has accessed through sources at the Dabchick 24 and News Biscuit.
‘It’s been a Cruel Summer, and that’s Really Saying Something,’ Granty told reporters after his team’s loss to Luckett. ‘But I think the media has given us Rough Justice. I Heard a Rumour that we were deliberately trying to lose Saturday’s game after 5 of our so called batsmen were out accidentally without scoring but let me say for the record that they all said ‘I Can’t Help It’. They were all genuinely useless and I’m sure the guys would agree if they knew how much was riding on it.’
Suspicions were also aroused about The Boar’s conduct after they changed Bontour Bennett’s name by deed poll to Nathan Jones shortly before he went out to open the batting. ‘Nathan is in the team on merit,’ said Granty. ‘He brings something different to the squad, and I don’t just mean he’s the only one to invite his wife to two of our games this season – I mean Love, Truth and Honesty. Yes, I can see how his unorthodox style of running away from the bowlers might have raised a few eyebrows, but T’aint What You Do (It’s The Way That You Do It).’ When asked if Nathan Jones would be picked for the next game, Granty said he was ‘less likely to say to him I Want You Back, and more likely to Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye’ causing further speculation that his name will be changed back to Bennett (or John Wesley Harding if Granty’s new scam is to mention Dylan’s greatest albums in his next interview). The press conference ended shortly afterwards when the Boar’s stand in captain told surprised journalists that he had to cut things short because Robert De Niro’s Waiting.
Meanwhile, your reporter’s sources in the Dabchick 24 and News Biscuit divulged further revelations whilst on tour with the Boars. Apparently Granty disclosed in a late night drinking session at Rame Barton farmhouse that strangely found its way to the subject of sex, that most Apple Mac users keep a cheap and nasty Windows PC ‘on the side’ for the use of internet pornography, according to a piece of research from Onan-online magazine he had been reading. (The close proximity of the Tamar to the tour grounds takes on an added aspect when following the link to establish the meaning of Onan
Granty explained that the magazine polled 450 men and found that 85% of Mac owners refused to sully their beloved luxury product with ‘sleazy’ material. One contributor, a graphic designer from Ramsbury called Porno Dave (not his real name) said, ‘It doesn’t feel right using my Mac for you know what. That’s the keyboard I’m writing my novel on.’
It was at this point Bacon Grease announced that ‘We’re on tour and should be going out to Torpoint like last year’. Within seconds he was asleep on the sofa and had to be removed to his bunk bed later by two team mates when his snoring threatened to drown out the earnest conversation.
Unperturbed, Granty went on to say that Ricardo Mould (known as Dick) editor of Onan-Online had explained: ‘Having a Mac is like having a really hot model for a girlfriend. She’s expensive and picky but she looks great sat on your table in a coffee bar. A PC maybe a bit embarrassing, but she’s cheap, good to go and she’ll let you plug in two mice at the same time if that’s your thing.’
Granty confirmed that the survey also found a lot of men had problems asserting their manhood in front of their Macs. ‘Therefore a lot of guys get a PC on the side, but keep them hidden away in drawers or under the bed. They don’t take them out, don’t show them off to friends, they just drag them out when they’re horny. It’s sad but these PCs are normally happy for whatever they can get,’ he told his drunken team mates as they nodded in agreement.
In conclusion, Granty informed the team that Microsoft is planning to capitalise on this research with an overtly sexual campaign built around the seedy allure of a ramshackle PC. A special version of their operating system is being launched called ‘Confessions of a Windows cleaner’, with the slogan ‘Relax, we can just type if you want to’.
With that the naughty boys all fell asleep dreaming of things shaped like the 0’s most of them had scored earlier in the day.

Sunday Morning – Getting Over It

Aside from the ‘flu afflicting Granty and Hawken there wasn’t much for the Boars to get over next morning. There was even an opportunity to mess around in the rock pools at Kingsand tickling anemones and looking for crabs. True the Boatman and Banger had left now but they would not have to suffer the likely indignity of being hammered again by Mount Edgcumbe.
The Janner thought he had secured Ollie Robinson’s services the night before but was rudely disabused of this notion when Chris Vinson apprised him of Ollie’s encounter the previous night with one of Colonel Sanders’ least wholesome chickens. Vinson had already tried many of his contacts by now and so had to try to persuade Ollie to rise from his sickbed and charge in from the Torpoint end. Fortunately he succeeded although Ollie would arrive late and have to leave early.
The Boars gathered at the beautiful Mount Edgcumbe ground including the Bennett’s and their wives fresh from Tintagel. How Gloves had persuaded his wife to let him come on tour when it was her birthday none of his fellow tourists could imagine. Perhaps he could help with the Palestinian question?
Anyway, Granty won the toss and decided to bat. He opened with Bontour and the score progressed to 9 by the fourth over when Bontour was bowled by Deville off his short run for 0. Father and son Grant then settled things back down until Granty was trapped lbw to Edgcumbe’s captain Ware for 19. OPM Den Vinson strode to the crease with much expectation weighing on his shoulders. Though his bat carved great swathes though the air, contact with the ball was infrequent. He perished with the score at 64 having scored 5 with one four, bowled by the final ball of Allatt’s fourth over. The Janner was next. He broke his duck on tour and then found himself facing Allatt’s first ball of his next over. He reached for a wide ball and was through with the shot too soon, spooning an easy catch to Shattock at mid off. Howlin’ Willf Grant faced Allatt’s next delivery as the pair had crossed and to the amazement of the Boars and Mount Edgcumbe missed Allatt’s next ball which proceeded to crash into his stumps for a hat trick!
The Boars were now back on the ropes at 66 for 5. Dutch Elms and Harry Hawken were now at the crease. Allatt finished his double wicket maiden over and then Ware S bowled another maiden. In his next over Allatt had Hawken given lbw for 0 and the score was 69 for 6. Bacon Grease joined Dutch and the pair resolved not to try and smash Ware S to all corners of the ground. Alas Bacon Grease could not keep it up for long and was soon spread-eagled on the wicket having taken an almighty heave at the ball and missed. The ball continued on its course and made contact with the stumps a few seconds later – 78 for 8.
At this point a latecomer from Mount Edgcumbe’s team arrived. Apparently he thought the game was due to start at 1400. The Janner quickly checked that the hosts did not have 10 men in the field and then resumed the conversation with the man by asking him who he thought had taken all the wickets, including a hat trick. After 4 unsuccessful guesses he gave up only to stare in disbelief when told. It seems Mr. Allatt is not as highly regarded as a bowler by his team mates as he was now by the Boars!
Meanwhile, Lazarus Robinson and Dutch Elms were faced with a significant repair job. Their fellow Boars cheered on, with relief, every boundary they hit as the score began to improve. When Robinson hit Gill for 6 the ambition of the onlookers grew still more. Unfortunately, it was not to last and he was bowled by Ware R in the next over for 17. Dutch had been blasting fours with great gusto but he too was soon gone when he drilled one back at Gill which he managed to cling on to for a caught and bowled. After a 3 year absence he had scored an important 22 on his return.
Gloves Bennett and Woo Woo could not add much to the score and when Woo Woo was out for 1 leaving Gloves 1 not out, the Boars had managed to set a target of 121.
Captain Ware and Shattock opened for Edgcumbe after tea. Ware had scored 60+ last year and was a major contributor to the Boars defeat so it was important to remove him as quickly as possible especially with a low total to defend. Howlin’ Willf and Woo Woo opened the bowling for the Boars and kept a brake on the scoring with only 15 from the first 5 overs. Willf had kept Ware under pressure and in the 6th over this was to bear fruit. He sent down a beautifully disguised slower ball which Ware could only play around before it broke his wicket and raised the Boars hopes. In the next over Woo Woo had Shattock lbw and belief began to flow from Mount Edgcumbe to the Boars. When Willf bowled his 4th over he not only bowled the dangerous Plymouth 1st XI Boyd without scoring but also had Farley lbw for 0.
Way and Ware R were now at the wicket. Ware was beginning to look dangerous until Robinson came into the attack and clean bowled him in his first over to leave Edgcumbe at 39 for 5. With a beautifully fluid approach Robinson was generating a good pace for one who had suffered so much at the hands of Colonel Sanders. In his next over he trapped Way R lbw for 6 reducing the hosts to 52 for 6.
Meanwhile, Vinson was sending down an interesting mixture of slow and faster deliveries from the Picklecombe Fort end. In his third over he had Way J brilliantly caught by Bacon Grease with the score now 58 for 7. Robinson kept the batsmen on their toes until his 5th over when he bowled Gill for 6 and Ware S without scoring.
Allatt, the hat trick bowler, and Deville were now the last pair. Stout defenders to the end they kept the might of the Boars bowlers at bay for 9 overs, albeit 5 of them were consecutive maidens. They could not hold out forever though and in the 27th over Vinson finally put one past Deville’s defiant resistance and Mount Edgcumbe were all out for 81.
The Boars had won by 39 runs as the result of a brilliant opening spell by Willf Grant which removed the opposition’s most talented batsmen. He finished with figures of 3 for 14 and top scored with 30. He was clearly man of the match (as he was against Luckett) despite Ollie Robinson’s performance. Ollie produced a wonderful spell of bowling when he was obviously still suffering and ended with fantastic figures of 7 overs, 5 maidens, 4 wickets for 6 runs!
The Boars owed much to their guest tourists over the weekend with Chris Vinson picking up 2 wickets at Mount Edgcumbe, Woo Woo Bubb also got 2 on Saturday and one on Sunday and Harry Hawken 2 at Luckett.
As before, the hosts invited the Boars to the Mount Edgcumbe Inn and provided them with ample pasties and chips – the only problem was half the Boars couldn’t find their way there so only 4 could enjoy their hospitality.
The weather had once again been kind to the tourists. Although the cricket had been a bit in and out, the Boars and the opposition seemed to enjoy themselves and these two clubs have invited the Boars back so they are once again the first teams in next year’s fixture list.

Keep it real Boars!

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