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Aldbourne CC - Tour 2012

Boars on Tour Report 2012

The annual tour took place over the weekend of 7-9 September. The veterans of previous years included Granty (5 Stents), Judith ‘Bacon Grease’ Chalmers, Charles ‘Dutch’ Elms and John the Janner who were all staying at Shell Cottage and the Westcroft B&B, whilst The Boatman and Braveheart were shacked up with newcomer and Bob Dylan lookalike El Smallo (aka Sage) at the Cliff House. Big Al Bayliss (aka Babs) and Motormouth Matt Galbraith were also on their first tour and staying at the oddly named Sombrero. Finally, The House of Bennett, Gloves and Dada, were in their North Cornwall hideaway.

Day One

All but the Bennett’s made their way to the Elephant’s Nest for a leisurely lunch before the first game of the tour at the Yelverton Bohemians. It soon became apparent that Motormouth enjoyed his cider and it is rumoured 5 pints at up to 7.5 proof went down the origin of his moniker before lunch was over. On arrival at the ground the Boars were supplemented by Alex Hill and another tour veteran in the shape of Lenny Bennett, as the other Bennett’s were unavailable for this game.

The Bohemians offer for the Boars to bat was accepted by the Boatman and he opened the batting with Motormouth (MM). MM literally got into the swing more quickly than his captain and he proceeded to crash a couple of four’s before having too high a cut on his mower whereupon he was bowled for a bright and breezy 13. Big Al then strode majestically to the wicket, surveying the field settings before taking guard. He had just begun to find his bearings when Rowe struck again, bowling him before he could get off the mark. Granty had already treated the small crowd of jackdaws to a couple of trade mark fours when he was struck on the pad by Spear. Not realising that the umpire was the bowler’s father, Granty prepared to face the next ball only to find that the fickle finger of his fate was raised. His muted protestations were met with deaf ears and he had to depart to allow the Sage of Wilton to enter the lions’ den to the rapturous cawing of the newly arrived crows.

Meanwhile, the Boatman had managed to make contact with balls more regularly and his score advanced accordingly. Sadly when he reached 19 he was caught off Harrison and prospects for the Boars were not looking good. Spotting the need for an innings of greater merit it was decided to push Lenny higher up the order and this was rewarded by him hitting a six for his first scoring stroke. The Sage could not stay with him though and left having scored 4.

Enter the Janner. As the chauffeur for 5 Stents and the Nightmare on Elms Street, he had been persuaded to engage in a bet that he wouldn’t score 50 in the three innings of the tour. If he did then the pair would pay him £50 and their share of the petrol money – if he didn’t then he would cover the fuel costs. The likelihood of the Janner winning was always in doubt but his chances looked even bleaker when he was bowled for 1 off his pads.

Judith flounced to the wicket next. His tenure was even shorter as he was caught off the bowling of Brain without scoring, first ball. Braveheart followed him but only managed 2 runs before he too was caught. Fortunately, Lenny was knocking the bowling around despite the falling wickets at the other end. When Dutch Elms joined him at the wicket though, Lenny’s nightmare began. Attempting his fourth six he was caught off Hobbs for 40 and the Boars innings soon petered out on 114.

The Bohemians began their reply with Ralph and Scott opening the batting and facing Boars new boy Motormouth. Shortly after bowling his first over, MM eventually had to concede that 5 pints of heavy duty cider was not the best preliminary to the match. Perhaps an archaeologist from the far future might conclude that the fishy remains he had just excavated was proof that this part of Dartmoor had been under the sea thousands of years previously but the Boars on Tour could tell him that MM simply couldn’t hold his drink.

Nevertheless, MM and the Sage kept the scoring rate down during the first few overs and the Sage was rewarded for his efforts with the wicket of Ralph in the fourth over. Unfortunately, the score book does not reveal who the bowler was for the next wicket of Scott but your reporter can remember that it was Judith Chalmers who brought about his removal by magnificently stumping him.

As the game continued it became apparent that the Bohemians’ captain had constructed his batting order in such a way that he thought the match would always be nip and tuck. So it proved until the Boars took one too many wickets and the Beast of the Bohemians came out to join Laverton, who had already scored 25. The moribund scoring rate was resuscitated at this point and, although the Beast was clean bowled by a revived MM with 2 overs to go, the pair had done enough for the Bohemians to seal victory with 3 balls left.

After a quick drink with the hosts the Boars took the scenic route via the Torpoint ferry to Cornwall.

Night One

The restaurant venue that evening was the Devonport Inn. As the Cliff House party all arrived late, Granty invoked the tour forfeit rules which require a glass of sambucca to be downed in one by any transgressor or bragger. Braveheart soon lined up 2 more for reasons that were not as obvious to him as they were to his companions.

The forfeits seemed to be down on most years but clearly there were still too many for the Inn’s stock of sambucca because the Boars had to switch to Tequila, served with salt and, unusually, a slice of lemon. Your reporter cannot remember much else of the evening’s proceedings although there was plenty of talk afterwards about MM’s seduction of the more than ample barmaid/waitress. Apparently, he had asked her out that night. She didn’t accept but when he asked her to go out the following night she agreed and the Boars were keen to learn what would transpire.

An attempt to continue the drinking at the Rising Sun failed as the pub had closed at 2300 (as usual), however, the younger element was treated to the Sage’s jazz influenced piano playing on the Cliff House’s grand piano. The poor old Janner was too weary and returned to his bed to be lulled to sleep by the susurration of the waves breaking on the beach just yards from his window.

Day Two

The morning broke and brought with it another beautiful day. Breakfast at the Westcroft was good and the only problem in the night was when the Nightmare woke Judith when he had to visit the toilet because his peristaltic movements had been brought forward - probably in sympathy with the ebb and flow of the Rame Peninsula tides.

The Boars had some free time before the 1330 game at Mount Edgcumbe so most gathered in the twin villages and pottered about. When the Boatman, Braveheart and Dutch went swimming though, Big Al wondered if it was cottaging rather than pottering as he regarded the threesome akin to Italian fudge merchants at the local Lido as he watched them posing against the railings of a concrete jetty. Meanwhile, your reporter reflected on the mystery of why we are often strangely fascinated by that which we believe we abhor. Elsewhere, the Sage revealed his credentials for the Mr. Puniverse title to all but Big Al who still could not believe 3 members of his team might be fudgers. Perhaps it had something to do with one of the few remaining clips of him in his early days when he was known as Big Al the sports reporter on Rowan and Martin’s Laugh In – take a look

Later that morning, when MM became aware that the rest of the Boars knew of his tryst with the barmaid that evening, he completely denied he was going to meet her and promptly turned his attention to the wedding party at the Cawsand Bay Hotel where Judith had announced his interest in the sister of the bride. Sadly she was not the Pippa Middleton she had been made out to be and so the tourists decided to travel, suitably limply, to Mount Edgcumbe.

The ground was as beautiful as ever, enhanced even more by the fine weather. The Boatman won the toss and decided to bat. Perhaps aware of the Janner’s bet he put him in to open with the Sage. Facing the first over the Janner managed to hit two four’s and that was the most prolific rate he achieved in his innings. Throughout the whole of his tenure at the crease he had to endure the countdown coming from the pavilion for every run he progressed towards the 50 run bet. The Sage was not finding it easy to score but, with the aid of wayward bowling that added many extras to the score, the pair reached 50 in the 13th over. The 15th over was dramatic. The Sage was caught for 10 and Judith departed next ball for another golden duck. 5 Stents was next and he and the Janner maintained steady progress until the 20th when Granty smashed Dean for 19.

The Janner’s run rate had slowed since the frenetic opening over and he had never survived 25 overs in any match before this for the Boars or ACC. Shortly after his involvement in the second 50 partnership of the match, however, he was gone, caught at square leg for 37. Once again Babs strode majestically to the wicket and this time he demonstrated some of the strokes that hitherto had remained hidden. His first 3 scoring shots had gone for 4 and he was outgunning Granty when he was caught off Ware, the wily old spinner, for 19.

Captain Boatman sailed out to join Granty with 8 overs left. The score now began to accelerate with four’s and sixes coming from both partners at regular intervals. Granty brought his 50 up with a 6 and was threatening 3 figures when he was bowled by Hutson for a splendid 73. The pair had put on 62 in 6 overs and when Dada Bennett arrived he hit the biggest 6 of the day before being bowled for 7 by Moore, leaving Dutch to score 2 runs before the innings closed, with the Boatman not out on a quickfire 33.

Following tea Way and Deane opened the Mount Edgcumbe reply whilst Sage and MM fired the opening salvos for the Boars. Sage was soon rewarded for in his first over he bowled Deane for 2. MM then repeated the trick in his 3rd over and Singlehurst, the new man, was gone for 1. Sage was now on fire and in his 4th over he bowled Way for 13 and in his next removed Farley for a duck.

5 Stents and Braveheart then replaced the opening bowlers and the latter castled the grandly named O’Brien-Kelly for 16 -  60 runs scored and 5 wickets down, all bowled. For variety, Braveheart then had Hutson lbw for 19. With the departure of Holding (sadly before your reporter could write ‘the batsman’s Holding the bowler’s Babs) to another unplayable delivery from Braveheart, it was beginning to look like a procession of batsmen especially as the sounds of drumbeat and bells of Morris Dancers wafted across the ground.

The Boars captain replaced Braveheart and was soon amongst the wickets himself, finally putting paid to the resistance of Allatt for 11. 5 Stents was also making a major contribution with 8 overs for 17 runs, although, he was unlucky not to get any wickets. He was tying his end up so successfully, however, that the Boatman felt confident enough to give Dutch a bowl. He stepped up to the mark and promptly delivered a maiden over and only 10 runs off his 3 over spell. The Boatman’s confidence now knew no bounds as next he gave Babs his head from the other end. His inspired captaincy led to the only champagne moment so far this season. Gloves had swapped keeping duties with Judith, and was already demonstrating that he could scuttle around the ground with great gusto for one so young.

When Babs came on to bowl there was an air of anticipation of what would happen next but, far from the carnage expected, he produced an offside delivery that made Moore’s eyes light up. Seizing his chance he smashed a lofted cut towards the diminutive Gloves which appeared destined to sail over his head and on to the boundary. Unaware of the distinct probability of this script, Gloves wrote his own. Timing his leap perfectly he caught the speeding missile one handed in mid air. Then followed the briefest of moments of silence before his team mates whooped and hollered in profound appreciation of his heroic effort.

Earlier in the day’s proceedings Williams had already demonstrated, by some of his limited pronouncements and actions, that either a Cornish village might not have yet realised its idiot had gone AWOL or he had found an even stronger strain of skunk, hitherto unknown to science, growing on the Mount Edgcumbe outfield. On reflection, it was probably the former because none of the Boars showed any interest as to where he might have found the weed that he smoked even when he was bowling.

He certainly was seeing the ball clearly though, as he smote some lusty blows to the far corners of the ground. He had successfully kept the Boars at bay until he was joined for the penultimate over by Edgcumbe’s last bat, the groundsman and spinner of the side, Ware senior. Williams spoilt the Boatman’s figures somewhat by striking 14 off his last over but he left Ware senior to the tender mercies of Babs for the final over. Some of the Mount Edgcumbe team had suggested that if they batted out the 40 overs then the match would be a draw. The Boars, of course, would not have agreed but this never became a dispute because Ware senior did the honourable thing and lost his wicket attempting a reverse sweep off Babs and was clean bowled.

The Boars had won by 86 runs. After a swift visit to the Edgcumbe Arms they made their farewells and returned to the twin villages to prepare for the evening of entertainment that was about to unfold.

Night Two

The evening did not start well. The Janner was delayed because of poor administration on his part and the rest of the touring party decided to sit outside the Cross Keys rather than make their presence known to the restaurant. As a result the welcome was muted because despite arriving at 2050, the Janner was told that the kitchen might not wish to continue cooking beyond the last orders time of 2100. Although this trifling difficulty was overcome it then became apparent that very little remained of the menu as they had fed most of the Boars food to clientele who had just walked in off the street.

The air of disquiet soon dissipated when Granty first bought champagne to wish the President a speedy recovery from his impending operation and then to celebrate the win at Mount Edgcumbe. His next announcement put shock waves through the assembled Boars as he had been taking notes of all the brags that he had heard since the start of the tour. He pointed to a pint glass on the table, which comprised half a pint of Guinness and half a pint of champagne, and declared it was to be drunk by the winner of the secret vote that would decide who was the biggest bragger. The winner’s reward was to drink the pint down in one. Clearly MM was energised by this prospect and readily put himself forward before anyone had voted or heard the brags that Granty had recorded.

According to Granty there were 4 contenders. MM had several nominations including his coaching prowess of the under 13’s which he claimed was exemplified by the fact that they always won following one of his sessions but never did when another coach was involved. The Janner was nominated for saying he had scored 100 runs this season (which your reporter could only conclude was a modesty brag) and Babs must have been nominated for his body building exploits or his crane or the centuries he had scored this season. Fortunately for Babs, Granty was not around when he was commentating on the Fudge Boys earlier that morning.


If Granty mentioned another contender your reporter could not remember as he was already succumbing to the demon drink. The Janner, however, could remember some things that Granty had mentioned on the journey down in the car the previous day. Just as Granty was about to start the vote the Janner interjected with 2 excellent contenders for the competition. Apparently Granty had received a ‘phone call from an Asian lady regarding a very particular form of consultancy which Granty later revealed could generate him $1000 per hour. There was a slight change in Granty’s complexion at this point, but then the Janner revealed that Granty had dropped into another conversation that he was travelling to the States next week to deliver a key note speech at a convention where over 3000 delegates were gathering. There followed a sharp intake of breath and a skyward look but Granty was saved from winning his own game by the Boatman, who, having reduced an errant waitress to tears earlier in the proceedings, now for some reason sought absolution and allowed a special dispensation for the biggest brags yet heard.

The vote was carried off by MM and he duly stepped forward to drink his reward (that he had coveted all along). The concoction disappeared in just over 6 seconds. MM then retired to the bar and generously returned with a selection of Jaeger Bombs for all his fellow diners, an alcoholic delicacy previously unknown to most of the tourists’ digestive tracts but which was destined to energise many of the party later in the evening.

Probably wanting the Boars to disappear quickly, the staff let it be known that there was live music going on at the Rising Sun until 2300 and that more musical delights awaited them at a Jazz festival near Mount Edgcumbe which would continue well into the early hours. Spurred on by this news the Boars hurriedly left and, no doubt fuelled by the Jaeger Bombs, soon found themselves at the Rising Sun. A spectral figure awaited them there in the form of an acoustic guitarist who had a passing resemblance to Billy Idol’s grandfather. Fliers liberally sprinkled around the pub walls told anyone who could be bothered to read them that here was an unsung hero of the 70’s and 80’s, for this Kiwi minstrel allegedly had supported the likes of Joe Cocker and The Boss, Bruce Springsteen.

The arrival of the Boars changed the ambience of the Rising Sun from a gathering of locals and normal tourists quietly enjoying an evening of light musical entertainment into an alcohol induced singalongamax. Billy’s grandfather seemed to enjoy adding to the confusion of the Boars’ attempts to remember the lyrics by introducing his own spontaneous variations to the structure of the songs he was singing. Initially, the locals and normal tourists appeared to regard the Boars’ intrusion with disdain but after a while they too seemed to be enjoying themselves. Billy senior was also encouraged to play beyond his agreed running time much to the consternation of the landlord who was beginning to fear for the residents of surrounding properties. By 2330 Billy was eventually persuaded by the landlord to desist from playing his self penned opuses but he then joined the Boars outside the pub, who were themselves delivering their own impromptu concert.

The Janner, taken with Billy senior’s performance, gave him his telephone number and is still awaiting his call. Granty must also have been impressed as he offered his step father’s recording and engineering experience if Billy ever wanted to lay a track down on vinyl. Probably, unimpressed by both offers, Billy would retire later to the comfort of his van, which still extolled the virtues of the landscape gardener from whom it had been purchased.

Made of sterner stuff the Boars then set off in search of the jazz festival. Some were more worse for wear than others and, if their tracks were composed of snail slime, they would have left a glistening zigzag trail up the steep hill towards Mount Edgcumbe. All except, of course, those of Nightmare on Elms who made several detours into the ditches and hedgerows en route. His forehead also made contact with a stray cricket ball on the journey or, at least that would be the explanation should anyone ask on return to Aldbourne.

The Janner decided halfway up the hill that he had run out of the energy provided by the earlier Jaeger Bomb and returned to Kingsand. It was on this amble down the hill that he began to rationalise that he was no longer influenced by drink. As he walked towards the car park he met a familiar figure who transpired to be the ample barmaid from the Devonport Inn that MM was supposed to be taking out that night. Perhaps disappointed by MM’s non appearance she declined the Janner’s offer of a lift and the promise of finding the object of her desires who would then transport her to the far reaches of her anatomical desires.

Not wishing to be delayed further, the Janner made his farewells and arrived at the festival just as the Nightmare was having another deep and meaningless conversation with Granty. Unfortunately, all the bands had gone home and all that remained were two dubious looking characters standing by their decks trying to look cool. The Janner had never been to what he took to be a rave and was surprised to find that he rather enjoyed it.

Not content to watch the gyrations of the Janner your reporter ventured outside and espied Granty in another deep conversation, this time with the Boatman. Your reporter can exclusively reveal from the piece of paper they threw away after their conversation, that the President of ACC, the little known Wiltshire cricket club, will be announcing a major reshuffle of its committee structure, promising to inject a fresh sense of forward looking purpose into its policies and medium term strategy.

Key developments will include:

  Members Secretary, James ‘Braveheart’ Wallace will be moved to Teas Lady after rumours that he had been taking too much interest in the wrong type of members. His replacement will be Baroness Warsi who has recently become available

  Fixtures and Team Secretary, John the Janner, will be moved to take on Transport duties for the tour. He will concentrate on taxi driving throughout South East Cornwall and replace Tourettes Brian who has recently been subject to a gagging order by the Rame Peninsula Tourist Board. In a prepared statement the Janner will promise to try to limit his descriptive vernacular to more edifying terms such as intercourse, sodomy, onanism, osculation and pudenda although he is expected to add that there will be the occasional ‘f*ck up’.

  Harvey ‘Boatman’ Bishop will take on the role of Fixtures and Team Secretary. Wags at the Blue Boar, proud sponsors of ACC, have long been speculating that such a move will enable him to completely give up his role as Team Captain without anyone noticing the difference as, apart from the tour, he has hardly made any appearances this season. Fortunately the departing Janner has already arranged the fixtures for the next 10 years so there will be little noticeable transition as long as the Boatman remembers to send a fixtures list out each year.

  Judith, ‘Bacon Grease’ Chalmers has resigned as Winter Team Secretary to enable him to take on the role of Home Ground Project Manager. This development will be welcomed by many as it will finally kick the issue of a home ground for ACC into the very long grass that has grown up around the Pisa nets that were installed to great apathy at Palmers Field earlier this year.

  The Winter Team Secretary role has been absorbed by Five Stents, the Chairman of ACC. His major challenge will be to convince the opposition that Aldbourne is not a Trojan Horse for Marlborough as there are more Malburians playing for ACC than there are Saffers playing for England. It is thought that one initiative he is considering is to equip the Malburians with ACC whites and cut out face masks of the more local ACC players like the Munimator and ‘27 vickets’ Salim.

  Treasurer, Martin ‘Gloves’ Bennett will not be moved from his role. Insiders at ACC say that’s because nobody else would want to do it.

The President is expected to dismiss accusations that appointing some members to positions in which they have no experience or relevant qualifications is completely irrational, by insisting that none of them had any experience in their former positions anyway so it would make little difference.

Readers may be delighted to know that your reporter returned to his room at 0200 knowing that nothing could match this dramatic exclusive. That is not to say that more inane activities did not take place that night. Apparently, Granty walked into someone’s lit but empty apartment looking for more entertainment. When the owner ambled in he was persuaded by Granty to convene a party – and he did! MM could take no more and trudged home alone while Granty, Judith and the Sage staggered on until 0500 when they left and returned to their rooms at 0530.

Day Three

The morning came too soon for some but there was another match to play. Of the 4 matches played against Luckett so far it was 2 apiece so today’s game would have an extra edge. The grand old man of Luckett, Len Roberts had already intimated to the Janner that there would be at least 5 under 15’s playing for his team this year. This might have raised the Janner’s hopes against any other team but he knew Luckett’s under 15’s would be good. It later transpired that all but one of the five played for either the Cornish under 15 or under 13 teams.

As Len predicted there was a heavy ‘doo’ that morning and the start was delayed until 1300 from the original 12 noon. That was just as well for Braveheart who had awoken feeling the worse for wear. He blamed a returning bout of gastro enteritis that he had caught from his children earlier in the week for his woes. Others, with admittedly little medical qualifications, unsympathetically felt that his discomfort might have been caused by something he had self administered the previous night.

The young ‘buhys’ Warne and Gold opened the batting for Luckett. Sage and MM were the initial inquisitors for the Boars but, clearly suffering from the delights of all the Rame Peninsula’s nightlife could offer, they were replaced after 4 overs each by 5 Stents and the Boatman. This combination produced a flow of wickets sparked by the Boatman taking two in one over. Eventually the captain took 3 from his spell and 5 Stents two but not before the Luckett youth had taken the score to 98 for 5. The falling timber led to the emergence of the Fathers of the juveniles at the crease. Warne senior joined his son and after taking a couple of overs to settle in, began clubbing the ball to various quarters of the ground.

Dutch put in 3 overs for 15 and Braveheart overcame his nausea to bowl 5 overs from the pavilion end. It was not until MM returned that wickets started to fall again. First he clean bowled Warne senior and then, after Luckett’s Corinthian captain treated fielders and spectators alike to an exhibition of clean 6 hitting, MM had him caught by anonymous. (No, of course, it wasn’t the Janner – Ed.) He then took one more wicket before Braveheart finished off the innings by trapping Roberts lbw. This left Warne junior not out 31 and the Boars needing 235 to win.

Tea was the usual excellent affair topped off with clotted cream scones courtesy of the redoubtable Betty Roberts. The Boatman, perhaps mindful of the Janner’s bet, decided to open with him and Dada Bennett. The Boars unpaid umpire, Harry Hawken, had arrived just in time for tea and to officiate for the Boars’ innings. His long term confidante and advisor, Morvenna the Mermaid, had weeks earlier confirmed that she felt his cricketing days had gone beyond the twilight of the dying embers of the vestiges of his career and so he had decided to hang up his boots for the last time. In his heart of hearts he knew the time was right. When the bees failed to pollinate his Bramley apples earlier in the year he knew he would not be able to practice his bowling in the privacy of his orchard and that his game was well and truly up.

After Dada safely negotiated the first over from a youth sporting an unusual golden badger hairstyle, it was the Janner’s turn to face. Knowing he had only to score 12 runs to win his bet, the Janner showed a straight bat to Brenton junior’s first ball. Alas, he could not resist the allure of his second. Stretching to reach a ball wide of his off stump he toe ended it to slip and was caught, brilliantly according to the catcher, Brown minor. The Janner trudged off to be replaced by MM. He smashed a couple of fours but was soon caught off the Honey Badger. Enter Big Al.

Dada was going along nicely but during one quick single he pulled a hamstring that he had tweaked earlier in the field, and had to retire on 16 not out. 5 Stents soon followed after crashing one four. Big Al had by now hit a couple of fours and was beginning to convince others that the Boars could still win. Unfortunately, Big Al would not be the hero as he then hit a well timed shot but straight to mid off.

The Boatman and Gloves Bennett managed a brief stand but the former perished at 19 and the latter was run out for 18 as the wickets continued to tumble and the writing was on the wall. Judith broke her run of ducks and remained defiant on 7 but Dutch went for 4 and Braveheart managed 7 before falling on his sword. Dada could not return to the crease and the Boars finished well short of their target. Luckett now lead 3 to 2 and clearly want to extend this because shortly after their victory, Len Roberts invited the Boars back next year.


After the Boars on Tour visited the forgotten corner of Cornwall this weekend there are signs that the ravaged economies of Kingsand and Cawsand could be pulling out of recession. ‘It’s been a disappointing year since the last Tour’, said a glamorous landlady from a close to the beachfront B&B, ‘and we’ve been worried that we might have to find other ways of attracting tourists and fleecing them. That all changed,’ she continued, ‘when we saw this bloke called 5 Stents. Turns out he didn’t like the idea of sleeping in a corridor bedroom of our cottage and opted for the 4 poster room I was originally offering at £75 a night. When he agreed to pay £90 I hit on the idea of adding a £5 charge for breakfast as well – he obviously had plenty of money as there were reports from the Cross Keys Inn that he was regularly offered work at $1000 per hour!’

Your reporter learnt that it didn’t stop there because she then proceeded to charge the occupants of the cottage £6 for their breakfasts on top of the previously ‘all in’ price of £50.

Earlier the landlady found 5 Stents had left his tablet on the Pixie Porn web site in his bedroom when she went to clean it and was so disgusted she closed it down only to find underneath his inspirational keynote speech that he would be making in the USA in the next couple of weeks. The landlady is now planning to deliver a presentation over the local intranet based on this speech which will extol the virtues of attracting punters from ‘up the line’ as they will, briefly, have more money than most Cornish people. It’s been a good weekend for this B&B because when cleaning out 5 Stents’ shower room she unearthed evidence of a hitherto unknown cheese which is being hailed by some as the ‘most important discovery since Cornish Yarg’. It is not yet known whether the cheese originated in Cornwall or migrated there from the continent before dividing into the three distinct subtypes we recognise today. The occupant of the 4 Poster room over the weekend, however, is blaming it on the Janner who admitted to using the shower on the last morning of the Boars’ tour.

The cheese is a bizarre hybrid of a traditional soft cheese, infused with blue veins and featuring pronounced holes, leading experts to speculate that it may be the fabled ‘missing link’ between Stilton and Swiss-style cheeses such as Emmenthal and the literally lusted over, soft French cheeses. Locals of the Rame peninsula, however, believe its discovery had more to do with a lack of raw calves liver over the weekend than anything else. 

Many events seem to have taken place in Cornwall this weekend. Among them was the revelation by the Papal Messenger to Cremyll Taxi’s that Italian scientists discovered a cure for Tourette’s Syndrome in 1973, but were persuaded by the proprietor to suppress the research as it might have harmed his fledgling business. “It was an ethical dilemma”, said Monsignor Petrocelli of the Vatican’s Amusing Diseases Committee. “Curing the disease would transform the lives of a few, whereas watching people swearing randomly at strangers gives everybody else a good laugh. Apparently people love it when Tourette’s Brian shouts out “Bollocks!” in Mass. It really livens up an otherwise dull service.”

Monsignor Petrocelli will soon move to the Vatican’s Extra Serious Disease committee who are currently amusing themselves greatly encouraging the spread of Aids by denouncing the use of condoms as ‘evil’.

But for now Monsignor Petrocelli remains passionate about his work and fiercely loyal to the committee he currently serves, pointing out that Tourette’s Syndrome isn’t the only amusing disease whose cure has been suppressed by the Vatican.

“We’ve been sitting on a cure for flatulence for centuries, and the Midlands accent could have been cured years ago,” he said, ‘if the Kennet Valley wicket keeper, Radio Brummie, had not objected.’

Keep it real Boars!!

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