Females in Aldbourne were in a state of shock at the news of the recent marriage of ACC’s most eligible bachelor. Wailing and gnashing of teeth broke out among the young women in Aldbourne when they learnt that Edward Arthur William Fitch had taken the vow. That this would happen came as no surprise to your reporter, who had long witnessed the massed females (1) at the games of ACC, the little known Wiltshire club, gazing longingly at the huge run up taken by the team captain on his way to taking out the middle stumps of the opposition.

The wedding ceremony, however, was not without suspense. At the point where the vicar asked if anyone knew of just cause or impediment, the hand of the Aldbourne One went up. Gasps went around the assembled congregation and the gathered ranks surrounding the plasma screen outside the Blue Boar where Jez had arranged for the ceremony to be relayed in an attempt to stop his regular customers from drifting away to the church. Pressed by the vicar, the deranged woman eventually blurted out that Mr. Fitch was already married – to cricket – and his tendency to promiscuity was demonstrated by his involvement with not one but three other teams!

In an exclusive interview today, the Aldbourne One told your reporter, ‘ I often imagine myself fiddling about in my crease while Ed steams in, clearly focussed on removing my bails by giving me a good Yorker that pitches right in the slot’. She was not alone in this as Mike Hunt, the transgender ACC statistician, often got himself in a lather whenever he saw Ed bowl a maiden over.

His team mates were delighted that Ed has got the marriage out of the way now so that he can concentrate on his cricket for next season. One wag at the Blue Boar, proud sponsors of ACC, commented that there was no way any woman in the village would prepare teas for home games now that Ed was spoken for.

The picture shows the happy couple leaving the church after the ceremony. Your reporter is delighted to convey the best wishes of all the ACC players to Ed and his beautiful bride, Vanessa, for a very happy life together.