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Aldbourne CC - Ricky ‘Hitman’ Hatton to take up top-flight cricket....

 

Following a leak from the Aldbourne sewerage system and sources close to News Biscuit and Dabchick 24, your reporter can reveal that Ricky Hatton will astound the sporting world today with his decision to become a world crass cricketer with ACC, the little known Wiltshire club, in under five months. The former boxer says his surprise switch to Intervillage Cricket has
filled the void left by repeatedly smacking somebody around the head until they lose consciousness and/or end up on a life support machine.
 
Since losing his latest ‘comeback’ bout to Vyacheslav Senchenko, Hatton has prepared for his new career by piling on three and a half stones and walking around his garden at a leisurely pace in a white V-neck jumper he bought from Primark.’
 
‘Ever since I was a nipper, I dreamt of lining up for the first eleven and facing the Aussies at Lords,’ said Hatton. ‘But now I just want to experience the thrill of village cricket: the thwack of leather on willow, watching swallows skim over the grass, punching some pillock at silly mid off really hard in the face for looking at me the wrong way.’
 
The welterweight claims he lost focus after failing to land a ‘Portal Security Administrator’ role at a Torpoint nightspot for not being hard enough. Hatton has since come under the tutelage of Aldbourne village cricketing ace and former army boxer, Peter ‘The Stentman’ Grant, who insists the ‘Hitman’ is mentally and physically prepared to face the might of Kennet
Valley in May.
 
Hatton claims ‘I took my inspiration from the likes of Granty here, not to mention ‘Big Al’ and, of course, The Boatman – good old Boaty has a mean right hook on him, although what he did at the Harbour Lights was never proven. And like most cricketers, I’ve always enjoyed a spot of cake with my afternoon tea.’
 
Granty, meanwhile, has warned his star pupil that the Kennet Valley boys will be no push over. ‘He’s gonna be right there under the pressure of the sunlight wearing flannels with the other fielders as the church bells drift over on the gentlest of summer breezes - only to be drowned out by the droning of Radio Brummie behind the stumps. We almost lost our President
there one year when a buzzard stalked him while fielding in the slips. Anybody body who says cricket is easy is talking out their arse,’ he said.
 
‘Ricky’s a true professional. He’s got a passion for standing around with his arms folded, uncrossing them, and then folding them again while wearing a hat of some description. Some people say you can teach that, I prefer to think you’re born with it. And I’ve no doubt he’ll take a catch or two – we’ve all seen how quickly he can hit the floor.’
 
A wag from the Blue Boar, proud sponsors of the plucky, little known Wiltshire club said, ‘We’ve seen all this celebrity stuff before - last time it was Osama bin Laden who was going to be the salvation of the club but we all know how badly he bombed’.

 

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