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Aldbourne CC - Gay attack

Straight man attacked by gang of vicious fudgepackers
A 42 year old straight man has told of his terror at being set upon by a gang of openly gay thugs after a cricket match in Ramsbury last weekend.
Following leads from Dabchick 24 and News Biscuit, the victim told your reporter that earlier that evening he had been the subject of a series of bitingly waspish remarks from what had either been two men and a woman, one man and two women, three very effeminate men or three very butch women. Their comments, which were of a ribald nature, were accompanied by a lot of ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ and high pitched shrieking.
The man, who was singled out by the group for looking a bit ‘buildery’, had been drinking in the Bell, which was known to be popular with local heterosexuals. After leaving the pub, and on his way to Desperate Dan’s, a nearby heterosexual club, he was cornered and subjected to a series of unprovoked slaps.
Despite his cries of ‘oi’ the victim continued to receive further poorly co-ordinated blows, accompanied by more remarks in Polari about his interest in ‘lady parts’. His attackers then left the scene laughing outrageously. The Janner, Fixtures and Team Secretary for ACC believed he was picked on because he had suffered the consequences of a questionable curry, consumed at 3am that morning, which had led him to be dismissed early in his innings, thus reducing his season’s average of 180 to 92 at a stroke.
‘I don’t know how we will bring him back to his true form after this. It’s bad enough for him and ACC’ said a despairing and tearful Janner ‘but you wonder how his other team is going to cope, as he always scores more runs for them’.
While his assailants remain unidentified, police have said that CCTV footage of the attack shows it was unremittingly camp. Several passersby merely stopped to admire the attackers’ outfits before walking on.
Det Sgt Liberace Updyke, who is leading the case, said: ‘This was an appallingly bitchy attack. A middle aged man, who is believed to bat at number 3 for Aldbourne, the little known Wiltshire club, was singled out simply because he favours the vagina. Incidents such as this remind us that anti-heterosexual violence must not be tolerated.’
Last month, four angry lesbians from Baydon were sentenced to three months each for ‘straight bashing’ a 26-year-old housewife. The dykes admitted taunting the woman about her lack of motorcycle repair skills and then accused her of ‘taking it up the front bottom’.
An immature student from the John of Gaunt public house in Hungerford, who also plays for the plucky little known club, and is known only to your reporter as Matt the Swinger said: ‘I try not to walk around in public with my girlfriend holding hands, it’s just too dangerous. I’ve had friends bitched at in public, normally by more than one gay. We shouldn’t have to go around pretending to like Dusty Springfield, to act like we care about Eurovision or worry endlessly about our skin care regime.’
One wag from the Blue Boar, proud sponsors of ACC said: ‘For a lot of straight people it’s simply not an option to get back in the closet; because often it’s now filled with stacked heels and shiny hotpants.’

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