Your reporter has learnt from sources at Newsbiscuit, the Dabchick and his leaking mole in the ICC that in an extraordinary landmark case, the House of Lords will rule tomorrow that, Aldbourne, the little known Wiltshire cricket club, will be ordered to refund over 24 hours of ‘life’ back to one of its own team members. This comes after he brought a case which alleged nobody at the club had taken any of his advice in his last 4 games, consequently wasting 24 hours of his life. In addition, he will be awarded £300,000 in expenses and an extra day for the added frustration caused by not only ignoring his advice but also, as a result, losing each of the games he played in.

Your reporter’s sources claim that the unnamed ACC player had originally been tempted to offer his availability for 2009 after ‘quite enjoying’ the games in which he had been able to participate in previous seasons, however, he was said to have been ‘completely unprepared’ for his lack of involvement which followed. ‘My client is elated by this ruling’ a spokesperson for his legal team told the press outside the Houses of Parliament, ‘but, he would have preferred his advice on what number he should bat, to be taken seriously’. ‘It’s time that village cricket clubs stopped blithely stealing hours of people’s lives by promising untold victories and glory days when they couldn’t care less about listening to their players and only deliver lame games and results. From now on village cricket clubs throughout the land will have to face the consequences of taking younger players away from their homes where they could be playing computer games, of denying callow youths early sexual encounters in the village bus shelters, of depriving the just married from seeing their children grow up and preventing the elderly from finding better things to do with courgettes on their allotments.’

Originally, the claim had been for a total of four and a half days of life, ‘(because the frigging games felt that long), but after legal consultation, it was agreed to lower the claim to the 4 games total duration of 24 hours. News of the impending ruling has already sent shockwaves through the ICC, quickly followed by relief when the old farts in charge were reminded that Geoffery Boycott, Chris Tavare and Bill Lawry no longer played and therefore could not waste anybody’s life any more.

In a shock development it has become clear that other forms of ‘entertainment’ may also suffer from the ramifications of what has already become known as ‘the waste of life’ ruling. Already Hollwood is reeling from the news that a multiple suit is waiting to be filed against the makers of the Matrix sequels Reloaded and Revolutions for a total of four and half hours per plaintiff - although it is believed that the makers, the Wachowski Brothers, hope to argue in court that the films, and indeed time itself are illusory.

‘This is a terrible day for the industry’ commented Archie Wolf of Entertainment Magazine ‘and it’s not just cricket (whatever that is) and Tinseltown that will suffer. I happen to know that Doubleday are getting hugely jittery about publishing the new Dan Brown novel The Lost Symbol, I mean what’s three days times eight and a half million - there’s no way they can afford that kind of payout?’

Reports that George Lucas has declared insolvency in advance of any claims materializing, have been denied by his agent. Meanwhile, the anonymous Aldbourne player has let it be known that he is planning to spend his twenty four hours gardening, in spite of suggestions from his wife that they should really check out the Veteran Beach Cricket World Cup, with Glenn Turner and Hanif Mohammed rumoured to be playing, or even watching the new DVD compilation of Adam Sandler movies.