Despite England’s unexpected capturing of the Ashes against the Aussies this summer, complaints over the lack of equipment issued to the Barmy Army for the tour of South Africa have continued to escalate.

The government has been forced to deny claims that it is allowing the Barmy Army to go into the hostilities without the crucial equipment needed to secure an English victory. ‘The South Africans are armed with the very latest trumpets and cutting edge wigs,’ lamented a sporting warrior and tour veteran known to his comrades as ‘Granty’. ‘If we’re to stand any chance against them, the MoD has to address the fancy dress shortages. We’re asking these lads to spend five days at the front line. The least they can do is give our boys the best fighting chants.’

As charities rush to supply the heroes with witty banners and decent rhymes for ‘Kallis , Ntini, Amla and Duminy’, the grieving mother of a fallen Barmy Army soldier explained why she has campaigned tirelessly to ensure that no supporter will face the enemy without a cold tin in their hand. ‘When I saw the dodgy Star Wars costumes at the 4th test, it all came flooding back,’ sobbed Mrs A Shrimpton, whose son Fabian has never recovered from being laughed out of Edgbaston by the Aussies after fashioning a makeshift Chewbacca costume from a doormat and a monkey mask. ‘No mother should have to see her son like that. If we had known he was being sent into combat without the right kit, what parent wouldn’t have found a way to buy him a proper Darth Vader suit? And to think he still had his whole forties ahead of him…’

Despite the government claiming that it has poured more lager into the ailing Barmy Army this year than ever before, a bitter stalemate has ensued. Your reporter can now advise that sources close to the Dabchick and News Biscuit have revealed that it has fallen into the unlikely hands of ACC, the little known Wiltshire club, to arbitrate between the two sides. ‘Whether or not one agrees with the Barmy Army’s presence in South Africa, the most important thing is that personal politics do not get in the way of the sound thrashing of the Boers that we all want to see,’ said Harvey Bishop, spokesman (and part time SBS man, pictured) for ACC.

‘So we have recommended that the government sanctions the MoD to underwrite the cost of funding all the vital flags, wigs and body paint that the Barmy Army is demanding to meet the enemy fully equipped. In return, the MoD has agreed to immediately deploy the entire battalion on a six month tour of duty in the Helmand Province, where the pride of English cricket fans will face the Taliban with the best plastic trumpets money can buy.’

One wag from the Blue Boar, proud sponsors of the little known Wiltshire club, has suggested that, with the confidence gained from blowing their trumpets at the Taliban, the Barmy Army could play Blue Moon (ACC’s anthem) every Saturday evening into Sunday morning in the village square.

‘They would be much quieter than the current mob we get down there and more sober, tuneful and entertaining than the Boars on Tour,’ added a spokesman from the Great Western Hospital, who wished to remain anonymous.